The Man in Her Head: A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better (Part 2 of 2)
By Rahiel Tesfamariam (Urban Cusp) and Panama Jackson (Very Smart Brothas)
A "He Said/She Said" Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships
No relationship is just comprised of two people. If you’re in a relationship, I bet you thought it was just you and the other person you’re dating. It turns out that there are fifty-leven people inside the relationship. Here’s a discussion about some of those people, from two people who have been there.
Warning: This ain’t politically correct; this might offend our personal connects.
A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better?
Rahiel: The MITH serves a great purpose: his presence will quickly humble an arrogant brotha in need of having his pride checked. If there’s a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women, The MITH will serve to constantly remind him that the competition (taking place in her head) has him fighting a losing battle. This is perhaps the only man in the world who may be motivated to be better as a result of The MITH. His ego will keep him fighting to stay afloat long after his love (or lust) has evaporated.
But let’s just say that we’re dating a decent brotha who’s trying his best but falls short at times (that whole human factor), then does he deserve to feel like nothing he does is ever going to be enough? Is it fair to set an impossible standard that undermines all of his best efforts? What are all the great qualities that he possesses that we may be overlooking because The MITH has created so many blind spots? In short, I would argue that The MITH is a barrier that prevents us from 1) seeing ourselves for who we really are, 2) having realistic expectations, 3) appreciating what we have vs. focusing on what we don’t, 4) being able to distinguish between wants and needs, and 5) loving our man unconditionally.
Panama: Not only is that dude a distraction, he’s likely to be the man who’s going to push the one she’s actually dating out of the door. One of the first things couples’ counselors do upon meeting a couple is determining who the couple really is. It’s a telling process because he or she tends to be able to size up fairly quickly exactly who the people are… something that’s hard to do inside the confines of a relationship. It’s not unlikely to hear, “Well, Tina, that’s not who he was or what attracted you to him in the first place.” To which Tina replies, “So, I figured he’d grow up or change at some point.” Change into the man she thinks she deserves is what she’s saying. Interesting how that works.
I don’t think most men view their potential mates in terms of what they deserve so much as what they want. Now, the truth is, she could motivate her man to be great if she’d acknowledge that he isn’t there yet and encourage him to do things better. Men are simple. We’re like dogs: treats go a long way. If you keep barking orders and scolding me, I’m going to bite back and gladly go next door to the owner whose mentality is, “He’s a dog, so I’ll work with him because that’s what dogs need.”
Happily Ever After Possible for the Two?
Rahiel: “The MITH” and “The Ideal Woman” always live happily ever after - in the fantasy world in which they both exist. It only took me three decades to figure that out. The older I get - the more I realize that relationships are rocky terrain. A constant roller coaster ride full of misunderstandings, mistakes and regrets. They hurt, and they often disappoint. But as long as you didn’t find “love in a hopeless place” of abuse, imbalance, and chaos, as Rihanna’s We Found Love video depicts, then there’s always hope. As a matter of fact, there’s infinite possibility if the relationship is rooted in all the right things. I hope you know that love and intimacy are so worth it!
Here are some marching orders if you have a keeper: 1) Allow yourself to vulnerably embrace and celebrate that someone who speaks your same language. That someone who shares your vision of what a quality life looks like and wants to journey with you in experiencing it. 2) Commit yourself to accepting and unconditionally loving what you do and don’t like about them. 3) Challenge them to be better out of love and not judgment, allowing them to do the same for you. 4) Understand that love is a decision and vow to stay as long as it’s healthy – no matter how tempting it may be to give up. 5) Never take one another for granted – no matter how monotonous life may get. Stay passionate because it goes a long way, but be purpose-driven because it matters the most. 6) Be realistic about the person and relationship, but idealistic about the power of your love. 7) Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways submit to God (Proverbs 3:5-6). Love has so much to do with surrender and sacrifice that both individuals should recognize that it's going to take a power greater than their own human strength to learn how to love one another fully and unconditionally.
Panama: It’s totally possible for the man in her head and the ideal woman she thinks she is to work. That couple is perfect in every way. They communicate on everything and make all decisions in a democratic manner and spend all the necessary time together and he rubs her feet because he likes to do that and she cooks dinner every night because she likes to do that. The only problem is that those two individuals are fictional. Real people have real issues they bring to the table eight days a week. She doesn’t feel like cooking in real life because she had to work too. Why doesn’t he cook more? He doesn’t want to rub her feet because he hates feet, but he should love her feet because they’re hers, right? And newsflash, we (men) all hate The Notebook. A lot.
I think the only way for relationships to truly work is for both people involved to come to terms with who they are individually – both strengths and weaknesses – and be willing to honestly speak on those issues with their partner who is more concerned with who they’re dating than the one they think they should be dating. Basically, to be together, you have to let pride go and accept not being perfect. But if two people who have done that can work together towards being perfect in a 10-0 football-season-way as opposed to an individual paragon of excellence, then sure. God didn’t make people to be perfect. He made people to learn and grow. He created people with the ability to come to the understanding that perfection, while a goal, is unattainable. But if you focus on the things that matter, you can create an altered version of perfect that really just sounds a lot like happiness.
“I will bring you a whole person, and you will bring me a whole person, and we will have ourselves twice as much of love and everything.” –Mari Evans
Do you agree or disagree? Is it possible for couples to make it in spite of the MITH and The Man He Ain't or do both have to be completely removed from the relationship?
Read Part 1 of This Series Panama Jackson is a co-founder of Very Smart Brothas and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime. He believes that children are our future, loves Red Kool-aid, and really long book titles. Hall & Oates makes him happy. You can follow him on Twitter at @panamajackson. Meet Urban Cusp's Founder/Editorial Director Rahiel. You can follow her on Twitter at @RahielT.Want to support Urban Cusp? These are some of things that you can do:
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This may be my very favorite line of all: “But if you focus on the things that matter, you can create an altered version of perfect that really just sounds a lot like happiness.” – Mr. Jackson
What’s with all the need for change? Why can’t we just be happy together? Besides, isn’t a relationship about accepting people as they are? I mean, if she changes into somebody better (liking sports, watching Family Guy, playing Madden, etc), I’m cool with that too, but if I feel this NEED to change her, then I’m probably not gonna date her.
I agree with you. Thing is, as men, I feel like we want our women just the way we met them anyway. Or we’re less concerned about her changing to our likes and hobbies. We just want to be left alone to do those things if we want to.
And that whole accepting people as they are thing? Man-made. The entire point of this was that women don’t tend to be able to do that. In fact, I honestly can’t say that I’ve ever dated a woman who hasn’t told me at some point that she thought I’d either do something different or become somebody different…because of her. lol. Every woman thinks she’s special enough for a man to change for.
The big question (the one that really matters): “If this person remains the same exact person a year from now, 5 years from now on, 30 years from now – would you still want to be with them?” Can you accept them just as they are now without ever feeling they need to change? If the answer to either is no and you’re praying that a miracle will somehow transform them, then let it go. Wasting years of one’s life living in hopes that your partner would somehow actualize on the potential you see in them – them days are tired. If the answer to the question above isn’t a clear, definite YES, then it’s a waste of both individual’s time and energy. Life is too short too be uncertain about the one you love.
Everybody changes. That’s just a part of life. Its just a question of do I want somebody hovering over me like my mom telling me that she knows I’m a better person than that. I figure, if we’re in a relationship, we’re both gonna change, but if you keep pulling me to be this MITH, then I’m probably gonna resent it, and just stop dating you.
I don’t have a problem with the whole concept of an ‘ideal woman’ cause I definitely have my views. But when I meet someone, I say, OK she doesn’t cook but she does everything else right that I can live without that. Now if she changes into somebody that cooks, then its all good, but I’m not gonna devote my energy into dropping hints like “it’d sure be nice to have some smothered pork chops right now”, I’m just gonna be enjoying the things about her that I like cause that’s why I’m dating her – not to make her into my ideal woman cause I realize that my ideal woman is just a fantasy.
Solid!!!
Let go, right?! Let go of the immobilizing fear…
Now, that’s one word we haven’t really used in this discussion – fear – and you added immobilizing to it… o_O
Man I hope you’re wrong.
You hope who is wrong about what?
Oh I see. You hope Panama is wrong that “every woman thinks she’s special enough for a man to change for.”
Since I relate most (ok…ALL) of my life through a musical lens, a song that resonated throughout this 2part series, was one that on some levels shaped me as a woman…Anita Baker, “Fairy Tales”. Lyrics tell of a mom filling a daughter’s head with visions of a proverbial Prince Charming who will whisk her off her feet…but SHE realized he never came to save her, and instead she bit the poison apple, and realized MITH was all a hoax! (Panama’s “con man” maybe?)
Now, those lyrics were more profound than I understood back in the 80s, but I knew NOT to spend life looking for a perfect man. My dad was an excellent role model and HE wasn’t perfect, so to take the pressure off all parties, I humbly accepted that no one is perfect, myself included.
Granted MY issues aren’t those of “reality” TV, and I’m glad I’m not materialistic/petty/vindictive/brash/violent/pretentious/crass/and any other annoying personality trait I despise on those shows (not calling them out, but we all know the “wives” I’m referring to lol)…BUT…my issues are my issues nonetheless. By keeping it real with myself, I’m able to better keep it real with others, as we all strive to be a better version of ourselves.
SN: I’ve been married longer than I’ve been single, and BALANCE will be my mantra fa’ EVAH!!! <–insert New England accent here!
Spent some time with a 93-year-old woman today who was married 48 years before her husband passed away. Listening to her talk about what she and her husband shared and looking at their photos, I realized that a lot of this is generational. It seems that we’ve complicated love, esp. when you consider that generations of African Americans managed to sustain their love amidst some of the darkest hours in human history.
Do we just need to get back to basics? Basics being love for love’s sake. The understanding that love is powerful and should be protected, Loving each other and staying together is in itself a precious gift that we can give the world (even down to the children we create) – a gift of resilience and hope that has somehow, miraculously defied all odds. But love, in that way, is understand as essential to life as breathing – not as an option with revolving doors that give way to quick exits.
ABSOLUTELY yes, back to basics!!! The more ‘modernized’ we’ve become, we equally have to get back to basics in love, finances, traditions, etc! The Black community has forfeited so much commUNITY in assimilating into the predominate U.S. culture, which saddens me. Many kids today lack a reference point for real love & family (well it’s being replaced by an unhealthy version) that many of us saw growing up in those older generations…
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed.
i really enjoyed this two-part post. i read it alongside watching ‘Being Erica’, a Canadian comedy-drama series, in particular season 4 episode 9. so far, she has broken up with her boyfriend (Adam) because of being too controlling. this leads her to start dating a past lover (Kai) who has re-appeared in her life (he is from 2019…show includes time travel and going in the past to deal with regrets). Kai proposes and she finds herself unhappy with this spontaneous move although having wanted this type of commitment. her therapist (Dr Tom) introduces her to the MITH (or myth… sorry, his name was Milo lol) as a way to help her realize what she wants and whilst reliving her relationship fantasy she is confronted with the fact that her perfect man is annoying (he’s vain/good-looking, arrogant/confident, honest/rags on her best friend…). in conclusion, she has to face the reality that the man who ticks everything on her check list, who’s ‘right’, who she thinks she wants is not in her present but a fantasy… she got with Kai to get over losing the man who made her (for the most part) happy. secondly, she lost the man in her present, Adam, because she was trying to make him something he was not and was trapped in her own head. thirdly and most importantly, she screwed up and needs to surrender. <–WHAT! i think i had an epiphany watching tv haha.
My favourite quotes from the episode:
"it's not about the rules, it's about what is and isn't real";
"trade a fantasy for reality and you might just feel like Alice back from Wonderland. the world may not sparkle and shine but the ground will be solid beneath your feet and your eyes will be open to all the adventures that lie waiting for you, right here, in the real world".
Thanks for a timely post Rahiel and Panama!!!!
SN: i probably made this show seem much more enlightening and entertaining than it probably is… i'm going through some "thangs" (boredom, singlehood, a litre of ice cream) so excuse me if i just wrote an essay about a lackluster tv programme and suggested it changed my life. don't judge
“But many healthy relationships are based on a healthy degree of difference. “–Rahiel
did i mention Erica said that the things that Adam does to drive her crazy are in fact the things that are good for her as a person. he challenges her and stands up to her. basically, it humbles her controlling nature. awww…(tears were shed)
But this is why timing is everything. And that’s one thing we didn’t explore in the article – that you may very well get what’s best for you but not be ready for it. And I have a friend who always says “the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.” Sometimes we’re simply not in a place of emotional, psychological and spiritual maturity to handle the person who’s best for us. We subconsciously go after the “Requires Assembly” type at times because they make us feel needed and well put together, whereas the “Already Made” type can make us feel like we’re works in progress (which we all are but who wants to acknowledge that?). Erica symbolizes knowing what we want but not what we need. And when we’re talking living with someone for the rest of our lives – there MUST be a healthy/substantial dose of what we need.
I actually wrote an article about that a few months back. How many men will lose out on a good woman because he met her before he was ready to settle down. It’s one of those facets of relationships folks don’t talk about enough.
So I’ve asked a lot of my male friends this question: “is it about timing or meeting that special someone who makes you feel ready.” And the answer I always got from them was TIMING. Feeling ready and feeling like everything is in place. Women, on the other hand, tend to say it’s about the person. Right person – right time. Often speak of building together whereas a lot of men speak of having everything mapped out/”together” before she comes along. Excuse the generalities – just my random survey results.
That makes complete sense. Most guys want to feel like they’re accomplishing something before they enter a relationship…or are ready. Thing is, I do think that you can meet the right person, as a man, and decide that you just can’t let that opportunity pass. Those are the guys who end up proposing.
Survey results are pretty accurate, Rahiel, and I agree with your comment, Panama. Some men DO see that opportunity and some women accept their proposals even though they might not see MITH standing (or kneeling) before her. Those women have a grow together mentality, and don’t accept his proposal because she wants a project to fix him up…
i did read that post…loved it! forwarded it to my best friend (also an ex) who’s theme tune is “soon as i get my money right”
exactly! can we discuss how timing and chemistry are yet to sync up for me. I’m a survivor and along with my free t-shirt I would like a commemorative dog tag necklace with the words “if it’s God’s will may nothing come between us not even my MITH”
With a hat to match. And when UC and VSB start making some non-grassroots money – we’ll have a dinner & movie giveaway for you and your non-MITH!
thank you! this is what community is about
Absolutely! In that spirit of community supporting you in hearing the inner voice that silences the superficial, social confusion, here’s a quote that I recently shared on our Facebook fan page: ”Sometimes you have to believe in somebody else’s belief in you until your belief kicks in.” – Les Brown
You are freakin’ HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud for real for real – going through some thangs…. a litre of ice cream” had me rolling! And you really did make his show sound like God’s gift to humankind. Canada is looking real good right now.
There’s so much in what you said that I don’t know where to start but how about we start with her actually getting the MITH and realizing that he’s not good for her in reality but only in the fantasy world she has constructed in her mind. How many of us have been there? You imagine your ideal and God dares to hand it to you on a silver platter only for you to realize that you set yourself up something serious! Hence, “she screwed up and needs to surrender.” That’s why my prayers shifted from: God, please do x,y,z, to “God, I have no clue what’s best for my life but you do. Just do the dang thing and I will follow your lead!” [Politically correct translation: "God, not my will, but your will be done."]
And can we commission someone to make a t-shirt out of THIS?! “trade a fantasy for reality and you might just feel like Alice back from Wonderland. the world may not sparkle and shine but the ground will be solid beneath your feet and your eyes will be open to all the adventures that lie waiting for you, right here, in the real world”. All MITH survivors should get a free one!
Such dope insight kbbn! I really liked you pulling all of it together via TV musings
You know, I’ve done that. I used to think there was a certain type of woman I wanted to date. Then I finally ended up dating her and realized that maybe I had created this perfect vision of Mrs. Jackson (she was nasty)…sorry…DOUBLE PUN!!! that no woman could fit that. Of course, nearly all of my “wants” were superficial anyway. I got over that “look” and “feel” quickly.
Panama’s Ms. Jackson just made my day! LOL And she also proves my point that the MITH is a mirror reflection of ourselves.
Speaking of Ms. Jackson, I met Janet back in the mid-80s, I always liked her vibe, and respected her self-discovery…now FLASHBACK: Remember her video, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” She tells her friends (in my non-Google search memory), “I love him, he’s fine, he does nice things for me”, but then her girls (including Paula Abdul) chime in, “I know he USED to do nice things for you, but what has he done for you LATELY?”
When I saw that video (and heard the Jimmy Jam/Terry Lewis written lyrics), I remember feeling for the guy because Janet’s friends getting in her business irritated me (still does, truth be told), plus it seemed the relationship was a tad one-sided…like she wanted the MITH to give her nice things, take her to restaurants, but said nothing about reciprocation…but it was HER video, she worked it, and I still can do that dance routine!
This was a good read. Good job, Rahiel and Panama.
Thanks! You’re appreciated.
Thanks KT. Like Rahiel said, and like Tupac said about his mama, “you are appreciated…”
nice one, an enjoyable read
Glad to hear that. Now, it’s time to cook up some other ideas for posts