QOTD: What Does Feminism Look Like in Matters of the Heart?
Writer Joan Morgan, author of When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost: A Hip-Hop Feminist Breaks It Down, recently shared this statement via social media: "I often read feminist analysis of relationships and know, without a doubt, that the writer hasn't been in a relationship in a very long time. Because the distance between theorizing gender in a relationship and navigating gender in a relationship is kinda like, a chasm wide." Morgan suggests that there is a huge gap between feminist ideals and the reality of relationships.
There are countless stories about women who had to make pain-staking sacrifices in order to become the kinds of wives and mothers they wanted to be. These sacrifices may range from leaving high-paying jobs as executives in order to serve as full-time moms - to living with deferred dreams that may never be actualized. Women, as the burden bearers of humanity, often feel that they have to "die unto self" in ways that men do not. This is grounded in tensions related to love, vulnerability, submission, sacrifice, personal freedom, religion, and the F-word (feminism).
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All love includes submission and power, vulnerability and strength. That’s not a problem insofar as both partners are experiencing both sides of the complexity and thereby finding balance. Patriarchy harms men and women. It shames men who are experiencing the vulnerability and submission that are natural and necessary to loving. And it insists that women only evince submission and not empowerment and strength. Patriarchy takes away the balance that makes love good and whole.
This is not only true in romantic love relationships. But it is a prime reason that what actually works for any given couple is hard to articulate and prescribe to another couple. It would be like teaching someone else the balance that is required to ride a bike. Another person can tell you the basic mechanics but riding requires you to find your inner (and idiosyncratic) sense of balance. It’s internal.